Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to send nudes.
If you don’t feel totally comfortable with the idea, talk to them about it. Let them know that it is not something you are cool with and that this does not mean you don’t care about them.
There are LOADS of other ways of showing your love and making them feel appreciated.
Relationships are about love, care and respect not about pressure, control or power. Someone that cares about you will listen when you say no and respect your decision.
Some other ideas:
In any kind of relationship, your feelings matter. If they keep asking for nudes, even after you have said you don’t want to share them, they are not making you a priority.
Sometimes we feel like it will just be easier if we send a photo and then the person will be satisfied and leave you alone. That doesn’t usually happen. Most of the time they will just ask for more. It can get even nastier if you decide not to send more.
Often the person pressuring you is also pressuring other people, hoping that someone will strip off and send them a pic.
You don’t have to.
We don’t make great decisions when we are feeling pressured or emotional (or if you have had a few drinks). Take time to get in a good head space before you make a choice.
Getting someone else’s perspective can really help.
Even if you are embarrassed or scared, people that care about you won’t judge. They want to help and can help you think about things you hadn’t thought about before you make a decision.
A strategy that can help you feel safer is to ask for advice for a friend.
You know like “I have this friend that ….”.
People you could talk to:
If you don’t have anyone in person that you can speak to, think about getting in touch with Youthline or another phone/text or online support service where you can be anonymous.
Listen to some of the audio stories below and also check out Dear Em’s awesome article
This also has Samantha’s Story at the end of an article where they go over 13 Reasons Why episode by episode.
Netsafe has some awesome information on their website that is definitely worth checking out
If it’s someone like your boss, family friend or teacher then they have responsibilities to not use their position to ask you to do anything that makes you feel vulnerable, uncomfortable or unsafe.
It is against the law for an adult to have nude photos of anyone underage and they should not be asking for them in the first place.
It is also a really serious matter that someone else really needs to know about, not only to keep you safe but also anyone else that they might put pressure on.
This could be a parent, Netsafe, the Police, a Principal, or senior supervisor, someone that can give you support and stop the situation from escalating.
Is it against the law to ask for Nudes?
No. In New Zealand, if someone is sharing (or is threatening to share) nude photos or intimate images of you without your permission, there are a number of laws they might be breaking BUT it is not against the law for someone to ask for nudes.
It is the sharing that is the issue.
Is it against the law to send nudes?
No. It is also not against the law to send nudes of yourself to someone who has asked for them BUT if you are under 16 and the person you are sending them to is 16 or over then they could be charged with having indecent images.
Being asked to send nudes can sometimes make you feel really uncomfortable. It can often make you feel embarrassed, ashamed or even violated.
Taking the first step and speaking to someone that you trust about what is going on and how you are feeling can help you to take steps to resolve the situation.
Together you can then get in touch with more support if you need it.
This includes:
Accessing a range of support to help you with different parts of what is causing you to feel worried, upset or distressed can be a really great way to get through (rather than choosing one and hoping they can do everything).
It could be worthwhile looking into some of the options below as well.
Helplines are there to help if you want to talk (kōrero) with someone about what is going on and how it is making you feel.
You can also call if you know someone who may need help.
It’s completely okay to call or message a helpline – no problem is too big or small. You don’t have to ‘prove’ you deserve help.
They say:
It’s normal to worry about asking for help – but at Youthline we are here to listen and help you figure out what is right for you.
0800 376 633 24/7 support
free text 234 between 8am and midnight
or email talk@youthline.co.nz
Online Chat
Youthline’s online chat service is open between 7pm-11pm
A safe place for you to talk about anything at all
0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds). Phone counselling is available Monday to Friday, midday–11pm and weekends, 3pm–11pm.
Online chat is available 7pm–10pm daily Click HERE
They do say “Because a lot of young people use online chat, there is often a wait time before a counsellor is available. So if you need to speak to someone straight away, phone What’s Up and speak to a counsellor in person”
They say:
At Kidsline we think everyone needs to be heard, and we want to be here to talk things through with you, and listen to what’s happening to you. So give us a call, and talk to one of our Buddies!
0800 54 37 54 (0800 kidsline) for young people up to 18 years of age.
Kidsline is available 24/7 however if you ring between 4pm-9pm Monday – Friday you will speak to a Kidsline Buddy – a specially trained teenage telephone counsellor.
To get the lowdown on Helplines and what happens when you call, whether you are really anonymous and and heaps more info, check out the Sticks ‘n Stones website.
Aunty Dee is a free online tool for anyone who needs some help working through a problem or problems.
The information below is from their website.
It doesn’t matter what the problem is, you can use Aunty Dee to help you work it through.
You can use Aunty Dee to work through one problem, or you can ask about many problems and use Aunty Dee over and over again – it’s completely up to you.
To get the lowdown on Online Tools and what is available, check out the Sticks ‘n Stones website.
Nikita talks about chatting to someone over Snapchat and starting to really like him and then what happened when she said no to his request for nudes.
Lara talks about feeling pressured to send nudes to a guy she was seeing and how she was blamed after they were shared. She talks about the impact that had on her mental health and gives her advice for getting through.
Nat talks about getting a dick pic from a friend’s account and not being sure how to react. Later she finds out that his account had been hacked so lets him know what happened.
Shannon talks about when a photo was taken up her skirt at her school without her knowing and then shared.
Eve talks about sending nudes in a long term relationship and how this stayed positive.
Mia talks about chatting with a guy online for a few months and then sending nudes after he had asked and how he wouldn’t talk to her afterwards.
Beth shares about her experience with a guy using his charm to try to get a nude from her friend, and from her.
Bailey talks about sending a nude and then being blackmailed to send more.
Steph talks about being asked to send nudes from her boyfriend and what happened when she said no.
Anna talks about being contacted by a stranger on Snapchat and being offered money to send him nudes.
Kelly talks about getting a ‘dick pic’ randomly, what she did about it and how it made her feel.
Cody talks about what happened to one of his friend’s when the guy she was with videoed them having sex and then shared it in groups online.
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